And I Don’t Even Wear Black!

Everyone knows that married people are boring.

For some inexplicable reason, the minute the sheva brachos are over, an individual’s perceived personal intrigue level takes a nosedive.

And I’m OK with that.

Who wants to hear about diapers and Shalom Bayis, anyway?

As you may well know, there are quite a few shidduch related blogs out there.

Many of them are insightful, some are humorous, and most are pretty interesting.

I have learned a lot about the do’s and don’ts of matchmaking, and I like to think I learned a lot about the sensitivity, professionalism, and tact that matchmaking requires.

I have just one honest question.

Why is the shadchan the enemy?

Yes, I said enemy.

You know, the woman we don’t want to see, the one with the creepy stare and malicious intent.

The one who thinks she knows us when she really doesn’t, the one who makes our lives miserable, the one who makes us dress up when we want to dress down, the one who makes us conform when we want to fly free, the one who is deceptive, and judgmental, and greedy.

Even I am horrified to read about Her – let alone meet her! – the Woman in Black.

Until I realized that she might be me. I might be her. (I sure hope she is always middle-aged. I need some time to figure this out!)

Is she, perhaps, a metaphor for all that is wrong with society? Does she represent an idea?

Or is it the fact that her existence makes us all feel vulnerable? You know, singles, parents of singles, parents of potential singles – we’re all victims…

(You’d better toilet train him already! What if the shadchanim find out? He absolutely cannot take Ritalin! What if the shadchanim find out?)

Oh, the things she might find out. The way she always judges. The unsolicited advice. Who does she think she is anyway?

She’s the devil, you know.


I don’t know. She just is.


So I’m asking – why DO we hate her so much?

She’s concerned, she’s sharp, she’s thinking of others and actually doing something about it!

There are good ones and bad ones everywhere – doctors, rabbanim, social workers, eitzah gebbers, chessed volunteers – in any field, at any location, and in any society.

How is she different from any other person who is in a helping profession?


3 Comments on “And I Don’t Even Wear Black!”

  1. fed up says:

    We hate them becuase they’re nosey and pushy, and they thingk they’re G-D’s gift.
    I really don’t think we need them anyway to get the job done. I’m sure other singles agree with me on this fact.

  2. Princess Lea says:

    Not all shadchanim are created equal; of course there are some lovely women who can meet with you and make you feel amazingly wanted and keeps your ego intact while finding a date for you.

    But no one really talks about those, because, after all, for commiseration purposes, they aren’t really helpful.

    What singles hate are the women who lord their status over you: I’M the shadchan so you must be in an agony for my services, You must bow, scrape, and lavish praise. THOSE are some of the shadchanim who have big names and many marriages in their wakes.

    Then there are the “shadchanim” – bored women who decide that anyone can be a shadchan, so they buy a looseleaf and gather information but are really clueless and have never made a successful date, never mind a marriage.

    Singles, at some point, are tired of being clucked over as pathetic and so should go out with anything that has a pulse. Shadchanim can push a bit, but not without limits. They shouldn’t barefacedly lie. They shouldn’t insult the people they claim to be helping.

    I want to marry, yes. But not at the expense of my self-esteem.

  3. SiBaW says:

    Well to be fair, there are men in black too. Just saying… :-p Regardless, I would venture to say that the majority of the professional shadchunim out there are difficult. Some are impatient, some are rude, some are judgmental, some are mean, and some are a mix of all the above. I think the difference between a shadchan and any other professional is a lack of ethical and operational guidelines as well as agreed upon framework to follow. For example, there is no such thing as HIPPA in shidduchim; unfortunately assumptions, notions, and rumors are all taken into account when thinking of a shidduch.

    Additionally, I think shadchunim are given a little extra leeway because we as a society rely on them to conjure up dates. With positions of power comes potential for abuse… But one the biggest differentiations are the fact that to some extent shadchunim needs to be a bit discerning to be effective. They need to determine if two people with disparate packages will be compatible, which in turn makes us wary of their behavior and thoughts. Nonetheless, part of the worry is self inflicted and irrational, people do some pretty absurd things for the sake of hiding from the ladies in black.

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